I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
