I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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