i would punch a child for taco bell
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
