so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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