Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
