Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
