this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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