I didn't shave. On purpose
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
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Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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