Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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