My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
