My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
