so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My feet surprised me
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