My room smells like vodka and shame
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
