If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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