these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
only you would photoshop your dick
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
