Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
