JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
In America we eat man semen.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
