i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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