Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
