I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
