it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The air was thick with penises
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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