I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
