It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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