I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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