totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
