I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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