So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
