erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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