Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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