Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
