I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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