He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
