OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
