Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
