I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
