she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
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