Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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