when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
