The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
