Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Randomize
