last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
