I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
