who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
