Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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