the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I looked at my own cervix.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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