Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
