i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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