I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
