I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
