Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
