does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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