I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
