i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
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