Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
