Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
