Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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