Even the bartender felt bad for me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
