My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
