just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
