I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
