im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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